Undone

surrender to grace

There comes a moment when we begin to reach out of this world and into the next.  We grab the fringe of Christ’s cloak, we lay weeping in the arms of Shakti, our Mother.  We cry out to the Father.  We seek angels and see them, in the heavenly realms of dreams and visions, and in the eyes of the brothers and sisters we journey with in this life.  We begin to see life on Earth as a school, a game, a gift, a prison, a dream, a journey…simultaneously.  And whether we are conscious of it or not, we begin to wonder if we’ve gone insane.

Such is the return to Love, the surrendering of everything that is illusion and the embracing of Truth.  We are One Creator…Creation expressing itself eternally.

A few nights ago, a deeply held illusion of mine was unexpectedly shattered, which catalyzed the collapse of so many other illusions.  The next morning, after a sleepless night spent in fear and sorrow, I found myself weeping uncontrollably as I watched Oprah interview the marvelous Brene’ Brown. They talked endlessly about vulnerability and perfect imperfections, and I sobbed louder and louder until I sobbed over the sound of their voices.

I have this thing I’ve done since I was a child: when I don’t feel like cleaning up, when I’m too tired to clean up or simply no longer desire to look at the mess, I push everything into closets, under the bed, into drawers…wherever it can be hidden, I hide it.  It never ceases to amaze me how precisely our outer realities echo our inner worlds.

I started this leg of my journey, this deep seeking, my own personal return to Love, just over a year ago to this day.  And amidst all the gifts, the beauty and the cleaning up, I buried some things.  I mean, really buried them.  Even here, on this blog, I buried a bit of my humanness, my imperfections, my voice and my authenticity because I was afraid to see all of me, just as I was, just as I am.   And for that, I apologize to my readers and myself.

I am perfectly imperfect.  I’m Spirit manifesting as Human, and I’m journeying.  I’m up in the heavens and down in the trenches.  A year ago, I asked myself three questions:

“Who am I?  Where am I?  Why am I here?”

And here I am, a year later, in a completely different place, grieving yet hopeful, surrounded by a peace that passeth all understanding, asking myself those same three questions.

And so the journey continues.

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