I had an admissions interview last week that went superbly well. I felt confident, intelligent, and generally very much at ease. Still, there was an odd feeling throughout the conversation and afterward, like a nagging voice in the back of my mind. This morning, I finally figured out what that voice was saying: “You’re sooo full of yourself.”
Different teachers and traditions have different names for our snarky inner critic, but I love Julia Cameron’s take on this: she calls it “The Censor.” Always interesting to clearly see my own Censor in action, the voice that is so terrified of my own power that it seeks to block the expression of that power at all costs. The voice that will cry out in protest the very instant I decide to let my soul shine.
I’ve taken some big risks lately. Deciding to move in with a friend–because though I love my current place, there were a few small things that didn’t feel quite right…and I’m tired of settling, even on the small stuff. Signing up for workshops and retreats I’ve dreamed of for years, and saying a big fat “NO” to obsessing over the financials–replacing obsessing with, “I can afford it.”
And then there’s the risk to keep growing, to keep diving headfirst into the uncharted, terrifying territory of *just being me*. Letting go of second guessing every decision, the programming to “be seen and not heard.” Looking past the Censor, and instead into Truth.
My Truth, today: I am powerful. I am humorous, wise, playful, and compassionate. Time to stop waiting in the wings.